Would Your Relationship Survive The Zombie Apocalypse?

This piece originally appeared on the excellent groom advice website Staggered:

With the Walking Dead shuffling onto terrestrial television (you should check out Robert Kirkman‘s original graphic novels by the way, they’re amazing – even if he did stiff us for an interview), we decided that it was time to ask the big question: would your relationship survive the zombie apocalypse? Aidan “Soldier of” Fortune reports, Stu from Boneface draws.

While I have often escaped the misery of the real world by drifting into a daydream that involved me taking on rampaging zombies, my wife never came up. But given that I am married and problems like these have to be faced together, I thought it important that I assess our not only chances of survival, but the possibility of us staying together, even if she’s, y’know, undead.

TOP TIP! Couples that slay together, stay together

Working together is key – do you and your bride often finish each other’s sentences? Well now you can finish off each other’s pithy remarks as you take out yet another un-dead neighbour. Imagine it, just as you decapitate a zombie, your wife blurts out a ‘must have lost his head’ joke. Of course if like me you don’t like being beaten to the punch then this will be a constant source of annoyance to you because you had a much better quip than that, obviously…

ZOMBIE RELATIONSHIP DILEMMA: Can you make time for romance?

I don’t mean to start sounding pervy, but the human race ain’t gonna repopulate itself. In between the maiming and the looting, it’s important that you make a little time for each other. Even if she’s covered in blood after smearing herself with guts to escape the hordes, tell her she’s looking pretty. And if you’ve always been attracted to strong women, well then you’re in for a treat, what could be stronger than your main gal snapping a zombie’s neck with her bare hands? Lucky boy.

TOP TIP! Slaughter Is The Best Medicine

Of course there’s a different type of frustration that you can let out more easily now. All couples argue, if anyone tells you otherwise, they’re lying. And if after you’ve had a massive row over who ate the last emergency Pot Noodle, you can go and relieve your tensions by brutally maiming some zombies, then come back home to kiss and make up.

TOP TIP! Good couples complement each other

My wife may be ruthless with her punches but frankly she lacks the tactical planning required to make a food run to the abandoned Waitrose to stock up on hummus and olives (what? The country may have fallen but we still have standards.) Between us, we could probably create and successfully execute a plan that would avoid the hordes. It’s all about teamwork and making sure that both us play to our strengths, like a, like a… marriage. Yes, I will beat you over the head with this analogy, much like I would a zombie with a frying pan.

TOP TIP! Interior Design For Survival

Granted, this probably began the second you started going out with your significant other, but battles over decorating and furnishings could have long-term implications for your survival. Just think: if you had put your foot down regarding that antique broadsword over the gas-effect fire, perhaps you would have had a chance as the marauders came breaking down your door. It’s not going to be the same effect when you brandish your Malmokoening lamp is it?

TALKING POINT: Could the rise of the undead be the best thing for you?

Despite the fact that my wife and I spend all day in front of computers, we’ll quite often fire up both laptops while in front of the television. When the apocalypse comes, I have a feeling BT broadband won’t be working. After 15 minutes of enforced media blackout, we’ll either both run screaming towards the un-dead, begging to be put out of our misery, or we’ll start talking to each other. Not wishing to sound old-fashioned, but we used to talk all of the time. In fact, for six months before we started going out, all we did was talk, albeit it by email and phone. Perhaps the dead being raised is what we need to get back to that.

DON’T FORGET: Looting Is Like The Wedding Gift List That Keeps On Giving

The breakdown of society as we know it can have a plus side. My wife and I live in modest surroundings, so perhaps it would be a good time to get some new stuff in. You may call it looting – I call it ‘upgrading’. And given my wife’s propensity for vintage paraphernalia (she runs a website, www.vintagebrighton.com, /shameless plug), the opportunity for her to go on a free shopping spree around town would be too great to pass up. Although, if there’s nowhere to go out to show off these ill-gotten wares, I may be setting myself up for numerous fashion shows…

DON’T FORGET! Zombies need love too

Maybe we’ve got these rotting, animated corpses all wrong. Perhaps all they really want from life is to settle down, secure their dream job and raise little zombie babies. Perhaps we should integrate? Granted, going out on a double date with zombies may be hard work. My wife’s vegetarian, zombies eat brains – where would we dine? How do we get around the inevitable “murder of our species” topic? Conversation would also be slow-going at first but I suppose once we found some common ground, I’m sure we’d all hit it off. However, if the majority of the population has become zombified, I don’t think we’ll be able to find a restaurant serving anything vaguely edible. Pizza Express, again then.

TALKING POINT: Til death do us part?

Do the laws of marriage go out the window if society breaks down? If you got married in a church, I would say no, there’s a higher power involved that isn’t affected by a bunch of hobbling un-dead. Otherwise, I would say that married couples have carte blanche on what they get up to. Tired of your wife? Well if you’re the alpha male of the group, pick another. This goes both ways of course and your wife might decide that the end of days is the perfect excuse to trade up. Or you could have a ‘love the one you’re with’ arrangement which may be the best way to get the human race back on track. I’d probably have to draw the line at swinging with zombies though, unless she was drop-dead gorgeous of course…

I am of Staggered

The few of you that follow me on Twitter and Facebook will probably know that I write the odd blog for a groom's website called Staggered. I first noticed it when preparing for my own wedding and offered to do some posts for them. The wedding has come and gone and I still do some writing for them as it's a great resource for men about to take the plunge and has some fantastic writers on it.

If you're getting married or thinking about popping the question, it's worth having a look at the site. There's plenty of groom testimonials and advice on marriage available. At the very least it may open your eyes to the work involved...

The Masochist Film Review…

Cinematically I’ve been spoilt recently… Successful film adaptations of graphic novels Kick Ass and Scott Pilgrim have meant that numerous other page to screen translations have been given the greenlight. The Avengers ensemble movie is in the pipeline, the finishing touches have been made to the script of the latest Batman film and non-mainstream comics such as Preacher and The Boys could see their way to the big screen. My cinema-going calendar is already bulging.

To save myself from comic book movie overload I’ve decided to watch some films I would never dream of ordinarily. Films that would make my skin crawl and bring me out in cold sweats. You know the ones, where you pray the trailers last a little longer so that it’s another minute you're spared from hell. Hopefully it’ll make me appreciate the films I want to see just that little bit more.

To kickstart this new direction, I’ve decided to offer myself up as a sacrifice to the film gods and let others choose a bad film for me to review. Below is a list of three films that are currently in the cinemas which I would never go see under threat of torture. Whichever gets the most votes, I’ll watch and try to give a fair review (or maybe not, depending on how bad it is). I understand that one or more of the choices may actually to by your taste but then I’m also counting on my good taste in friends and anyone who may happen to stumble on here.

If you want to vote, leave a comment below, email me or let me know via the magic of Facebook. Voting closes at some stage over the weekend, or when I think to check back here.

1 - Eat Pray Love



2 - Pirahana 3D



3 - Marmaduke



The Masochist Film Review: Watching bad films so you don’t have to...

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World: A Review

Cast: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Jason Schwartzman, Keiran Culkin
Running Time: 113mins
Director: Edgar Wright


Another comic-book, another film adaptation however SPVTW is the strongest crossover for a long time. Sticking close to Brian Lee O’Malley’s series of graphic novels, it tells the tale of a Canadian slacker who falls for violet-haired delivery girl Ramona Flowers. In his attempts to woo her, he has to fight AND defeat her seven evil exes who banded together to control her future love life.

Loaded with old-school video game references including those to Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, the film is punchy, mirroring the comic book style, and time and distance are dealt with by slick editing that moves the plot along quickly.

With six volumes to work from, there was always going to be some plot and character casualties but director Edgar Wright and screenplay writers Michael Bacall and O’Malley himself managed to condense the best of the books into a coherent 113 minute movie. There are some scenes that could do with more explanation and some evil exes don’t get as much screen time as others but given that the books drag somewhat halfway through, they did an excellent job.

Although Michael Cera has done the 'awkward but cool' character several times now, there’s nobody out there who could play the title role better. And when Pilgrim starts to become proactive towards his situation, he plays determined quite well.


As love interest Romana Flowers, Mary Elizabeth-Winstead will no doubt inspire a wave of roller-blading, rainbow-haired groupies but doesn’t doing anything spectacular with the character. This may not entirely her fault though, as Flowers does need fleshing out a tad more and lacks dimension beyond being a bitch and trying not to be.

Jason Schwartzman, Chris Evans and Brandon Routh are all excellent as evil exes, giving over-the-top performances without being ridiculous. After the Superman Returns debacle, hopefully this will give Routh another shot at the stardom that he thoroughly deserves.


While it has been compared to fellow comic book adaptation Kick Asss, this is a different beast completely. The fight scenes are well choreographed and slick with fantasy elements. While Kick Ass is grounded in the real world, you're never quite sure if this is all going on in our eponymous hero's head or if they live in a fantasy world inspired by video games.

SPVTW can be many things – a rom-com, an action film, a geek’s wet dream and metaphor for the baggage that we all carry. It’s all about learning and growing and stuff.

Cashing in on comics

 
It’s no secret that comic books are now mainstream. That sort of crucial insight is not why you’ve clicked onto this page. With every other comic book series being optioned for a film, some even before the second issue hits the shelves and clothing available with obscure comic book characters - “Who’s that on your t-shirt?” “Dunno, looks cool though…” – everyone seems to be jumping on the comic book bandwagon. Even Virgin Trains has decided to up its cool quotient with its latest advertising campaign.



Costing £6.3m, the posters show calm and relaxed Virgin Trains’ passengers looking out of the window at a zombie attack on the motorway below. Yes, that’s right, a zombie attack. Not sure if it’s implying that anybody who drives cars is more likely to succumb to an undead assault or that reaching Birmingham in less than 90 minutes is a sure-fire way to survive the apocalypse but it’s certainly bringing comic book content to the masses in a unique way.

Virgin Trains sales and marketing director Sarah Copley says of the new campaign: “The time is right for us to be truly brave in championing Virgin Trains as the liberating way to travel. This campaign will make consumers think carefully about their travel choices particularly where long distance car and domestic air journeys are concerned, with the advantages of Virgin Trains being made clear in an eye catching and hard hitting way.”

Fair enough but what’s next? “Carlsberg don’t create superheroes but they’d probably be the best…” or “A Mars a day helps you save the world”.

Rubbish made-up slogans aside, I’m undecided if this direction is a good thing or not for comics. It creates a new audience that may not have enjoyed the medium before and who may bring some new voices or ideas to the comic book world. Or perhaps it’s cheapening it.

Do advertising agencies care about a medium they are using for a campaign? Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps they shouldn’t. Or perhaps the onus lies with comic book creators? No, they’re not responsible for this sort of campaign but if they’re selling rights to the movie at a second’s notice then the medium is cheapened already and the damage is done. Of course, a writer refusing to sign over the rights to a works doesn’t mean a damn thing, take the example of Alan Moore, he refused to sign over Watchmen and V for Vendetta, but they still got made. Publishers perhaps? As much as they want to entertain, they are businesses at the end of the day and are looking to make money, if they don’t do that they can’t produce comics anymore.

Who else does that leave? Us, the readers? Should we be condoning our beloved comics being used in this way? What can we do? Boycott them? Not look at advertisements featuring comic illustrations? Perhaps we have to grin and bear it while continuing to enjoy our medium, while telling ourselves that we enjoy it on a whole other level to everyone else.
 

Who here has issues?

I feel that I must confess something – I’m not actually a huge comic book fan… Before you click off this page in disgust, please allow me to explain. I’m not against comics, having been a fan of the medium for over 20 years it's just I’ve always preferred the graphic novel approach to collections rather than individual issues.

To me a graphic novel is more accessible and allows newer fans to introduce themselves to the medium. The back catalogue of stories would be impossible to source in comic book form, a collection makes the job so much easier.

Imagine attempting to work through Crisis on Infinite Earths and piecing together the whole story issue by issue with the added danger of missing one in the middle. It’d be tough. I’m not even sure if the full collection of comics for this storyline exists out there anywhere besides DC headquarters. I recently came across issues one, three, five and seven of Final Crisis in a second hand shop. Why on earth anyone would buy or keep the others and not these is beyond me but at the time I hazarded a guess that not having every second issue would hamper my enjoyment of the series and back in the box they went.


Maybe I’m missing out on something. The last single issue of a comic that I bought was the concluding part of Batman RIP as I just couldn’t wait for the collection to be released and I wanted to see how the Caped Crusader allegedly met his demise. The excitement of clutching that hot off-the-press comic in my sweaty paw as I marched home determined to savour every frame of it was quite interesting but since I’m a quick reader it probably took me longer to buy the comic than it did to complete the damn thing.

Given my enforced speed-reading abilities I rarely feel that buying a comic is good value and I’m also the impatient sort so don’t like waiting a week, a fortnight or a month to find out what happens next. I find it much better to ignore the series until it’s released in trade paperback form. Does this make me a philistine? Probably. Does it increase my enjoyment of comics (in the larger sense)? Definitely.


How do you take your comics? Issue by issue or trade paperback collection? Leave a comment and let me know.

Mark Millar's Nemesis #1

Catching up on the comic book universe after a marathon Walking Dead spell, I finally picked up the first issue of Mark Millar’s Nemesis. Hot on the heels of Kick Ass, his new series answers the question that apparently every comic book fan has been asking – what if the hero decided to be bad?

Touted by Millar as “Batman but a total cunt”, the eponymous Nemesis is depicted as a criminal mastermind with resources to make Tony Stark insecure. Dressed all in white with no logos, the character kills without remorse and once he sets his sights on someone, they may as well kiss their loved ones goodbye and make sure their affairs are in order.

Nemesis the character seems to be a combination of Batman and the Joker, splicing together the drive and resources of the former with the psychotic tendencies of the latter. As the image below illustrates, Millar doesn’t shy away from this comparison.



Although only one issue in, the character has captured the imagination of readers and there is already talk of a film adaptation. Millar has the knack of giving his fans what they want, even if they didn’t know that they wanted it. With Kick Ass, he provided a hero for the YouTube generation and here he shows us what would happen if Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark or Oliver Queen decided that helping people is for losers and that it’s cooler to be bad. Not an anti-hero, but just an out-and-out villain.

Some sites have given the first issue bad reviews, but the series needs to be given a chance. The main character and his next target, a media-friendly, God-fearing Commissioner Gordon-type have to be allowed time to grow – at least wait until the third issue before condemning Millar. Sure the characters are slightly one-dimensional at first glance but this is most likely a clearing of the throat before the full stories of both the antagonist and protagonist are revealed.