Would Your Relationship Survive The Zombie Apocalypse?

This piece originally appeared on the excellent groom advice website Staggered:

With the Walking Dead shuffling onto terrestrial television (you should check out Robert Kirkman‘s original graphic novels by the way, they’re amazing – even if he did stiff us for an interview), we decided that it was time to ask the big question: would your relationship survive the zombie apocalypse? Aidan “Soldier of” Fortune reports, Stu from Boneface draws.

While I have often escaped the misery of the real world by drifting into a daydream that involved me taking on rampaging zombies, my wife never came up. But given that I am married and problems like these have to be faced together, I thought it important that I assess our not only chances of survival, but the possibility of us staying together, even if she’s, y’know, undead.

TOP TIP! Couples that slay together, stay together

Working together is key – do you and your bride often finish each other’s sentences? Well now you can finish off each other’s pithy remarks as you take out yet another un-dead neighbour. Imagine it, just as you decapitate a zombie, your wife blurts out a ‘must have lost his head’ joke. Of course if like me you don’t like being beaten to the punch then this will be a constant source of annoyance to you because you had a much better quip than that, obviously…

ZOMBIE RELATIONSHIP DILEMMA: Can you make time for romance?

I don’t mean to start sounding pervy, but the human race ain’t gonna repopulate itself. In between the maiming and the looting, it’s important that you make a little time for each other. Even if she’s covered in blood after smearing herself with guts to escape the hordes, tell her she’s looking pretty. And if you’ve always been attracted to strong women, well then you’re in for a treat, what could be stronger than your main gal snapping a zombie’s neck with her bare hands? Lucky boy.

TOP TIP! Slaughter Is The Best Medicine

Of course there’s a different type of frustration that you can let out more easily now. All couples argue, if anyone tells you otherwise, they’re lying. And if after you’ve had a massive row over who ate the last emergency Pot Noodle, you can go and relieve your tensions by brutally maiming some zombies, then come back home to kiss and make up.

TOP TIP! Good couples complement each other

My wife may be ruthless with her punches but frankly she lacks the tactical planning required to make a food run to the abandoned Waitrose to stock up on hummus and olives (what? The country may have fallen but we still have standards.) Between us, we could probably create and successfully execute a plan that would avoid the hordes. It’s all about teamwork and making sure that both us play to our strengths, like a, like a… marriage. Yes, I will beat you over the head with this analogy, much like I would a zombie with a frying pan.

TOP TIP! Interior Design For Survival

Granted, this probably began the second you started going out with your significant other, but battles over decorating and furnishings could have long-term implications for your survival. Just think: if you had put your foot down regarding that antique broadsword over the gas-effect fire, perhaps you would have had a chance as the marauders came breaking down your door. It’s not going to be the same effect when you brandish your Malmokoening lamp is it?

TALKING POINT: Could the rise of the undead be the best thing for you?

Despite the fact that my wife and I spend all day in front of computers, we’ll quite often fire up both laptops while in front of the television. When the apocalypse comes, I have a feeling BT broadband won’t be working. After 15 minutes of enforced media blackout, we’ll either both run screaming towards the un-dead, begging to be put out of our misery, or we’ll start talking to each other. Not wishing to sound old-fashioned, but we used to talk all of the time. In fact, for six months before we started going out, all we did was talk, albeit it by email and phone. Perhaps the dead being raised is what we need to get back to that.

DON’T FORGET: Looting Is Like The Wedding Gift List That Keeps On Giving

The breakdown of society as we know it can have a plus side. My wife and I live in modest surroundings, so perhaps it would be a good time to get some new stuff in. You may call it looting – I call it ‘upgrading’. And given my wife’s propensity for vintage paraphernalia (she runs a website, www.vintagebrighton.com, /shameless plug), the opportunity for her to go on a free shopping spree around town would be too great to pass up. Although, if there’s nowhere to go out to show off these ill-gotten wares, I may be setting myself up for numerous fashion shows…

DON’T FORGET! Zombies need love too

Maybe we’ve got these rotting, animated corpses all wrong. Perhaps all they really want from life is to settle down, secure their dream job and raise little zombie babies. Perhaps we should integrate? Granted, going out on a double date with zombies may be hard work. My wife’s vegetarian, zombies eat brains – where would we dine? How do we get around the inevitable “murder of our species” topic? Conversation would also be slow-going at first but I suppose once we found some common ground, I’m sure we’d all hit it off. However, if the majority of the population has become zombified, I don’t think we’ll be able to find a restaurant serving anything vaguely edible. Pizza Express, again then.

TALKING POINT: Til death do us part?

Do the laws of marriage go out the window if society breaks down? If you got married in a church, I would say no, there’s a higher power involved that isn’t affected by a bunch of hobbling un-dead. Otherwise, I would say that married couples have carte blanche on what they get up to. Tired of your wife? Well if you’re the alpha male of the group, pick another. This goes both ways of course and your wife might decide that the end of days is the perfect excuse to trade up. Or you could have a ‘love the one you’re with’ arrangement which may be the best way to get the human race back on track. I’d probably have to draw the line at swinging with zombies though, unless she was drop-dead gorgeous of course…